( steve is special to nate. despite the gruff response he'd received from scott— from his father over having befriended and chosen steve for his dominant [would this make cyclops proud now?], he still chose to sign with him — to be his friend and someone he wanted to have in his life. he still wants that — he still needs that and he doesn't know how to convey that to him when he's here telling him he doesn't want to renew their contract. it's why his mind automatically defaults to just taking his memories away, but. he can't do that to steve. it... wouldn't be right to do that to a friend. to him.

the touch, soft as it is to his arm is felt and he lets his gaze drop to that hand. gently, he places his own over the back of steve's hand, his touch warm and very very real. because he is there. just not in the physical sense. )

I know and I wish you didn't.

( again, he could fix that for him — make it easier for him and yet, steve wouldn't be steve if he did. wouldn't be the man he's come to know here in the time he's spent in duplicity. how different would he be without his memories of him then? he wonders, but. it's fleeting because he's looking bacl up to the man then, hand still there on the back of steve's. )

I'm not disappearing, ok? I'm still here when you need me. If you need me. ( he offers him as much of a smile as he can currently, even if it's strained. ) It just... hurts too much right now. In ways I can't explain. I just need to be somewhere else.