[ he manages it before nate's pressing close, before their foreheads touch, and steve closes his eyes at the contact, reaching up to hold onto him. if he grips him tight enough, perhaps that would convince him to stay. to not be alone. but in the end, the way he touches him is gentle and fragile, nebulous like this very moment between them.
if he had the answers, this might have been easier. ]
I'll be fine, [ he promises, tipping his head slightly so their noses touch. steve can already feel the serum at work, how much more clear-headed he's getting by the minute. ] Don't wait too long to find me.
[ because he's going to worry. he already is, but even just this is almost enough to assuage it in the meantime. and rather than let nate go, he tries to pull him in closer with that same mindset that if he hangs on tight enough that he won't be alone when he opens his eyes again. ]
( he shouldn't let him β it'll make it more difficult to break this mental connection here, but. when steve pulls on him β pulls him in closer, he lets him. again, perhaps against his better judgment.
afraid to touch him in fear that he might not want to let go of the other man, he instead keeps his hands there at the man's elbows. gentle. soft. eyes remaining closed as he just stays there like that crouched in front of him of the apartment that he's known for the past nearly six months now. )
You know you can't lie to me, right?
( the words are soft β an attempt at something lighter than the heaviness this conversation and everything surrounding it feels, but. also a truth, one which he softly gives to the other in regards to how he's doing and how he will be. )
[ he's strong enough that he could just as easily drag nate into his lap and hold onto him. it's a thought that crosses his mind, wondering if it'll cause him to run and cut their connection. leave him unsteady and worried, cause him to tear the city apart looking for him just to make sure he's safe. that's what it's about, steve tells himself. taking people in and shielding them as best he can because he's certain that's what he was born to do. protect and care until it grinds him down to dust.
when he breathes, there's a bittersweet feeling to it. ]
I'm not. [ nate would know if he was. besides, steve has never been very good at lying. ] I'll be fine eventually.
[ it's the amendment that has him pausing, knowing that to be the truth. months from now, years from now—he'll be fine. it's the same sort of rhythm the world always has, especially since he woke up out of the ice to find everything he ever knew to be different.
but steve's also stubborn and refuses to let go. which is why, in the end, he shoves forward into nate's personal space and pulls him into a tight embrace. ]
( the same can be said for natee, can't it? that at some point, whenever that may be, he'll be fine. for now, in this moment and these past few days, he isn't and hasn't been, but. one day, he will be. that's just how it goes. especially for people like them.
when the embrace suddenly comes, tight as it is, nate is left both stunned and speechless and just accepts it as those arms wind fierce around him. trapped within muscle and against the warmth of a man he cares for dearly. it nearly shatters some part of him to feel even through this mental moment here between them and he's silent for a long stretch as he just remains there. against steve. having fallen to one knee.
with hands still touching at the other man's elbows, he blinks those blue eyes of his a couple times and looks past them to their apartment windows there nearby. it's only after a moment that he presses the palm of his hand against the other man's back. a gentle and soft touch. )
[ it's real enough that steve sags against him the moment he doesn't pull away, soaking up the way it feels and how reassuring it is that nate isn't running. he will, probably. this is only temporary, the way their arrangement had been temporary, and steve thinks he should have tried harder to show just how much he enjoyed having nate around.
the quiet didn't feel so lonely. their relationship felt... natural.
but it was always something he had to give up, and he thinks about that even as the hand against his back settles there. light and careful. a presence he still misses and will if nate continues to believe he needs to be alone. time will always heal, but it's a ragged mess of phantom pains it leaves behind. so, he turns into nate and hugs him even tighter, tucking his face against his shoulder and waiting until he relents just a little more. ]
( he could just... disappear. he knows he can β knows maybe he should, but. nate's always been a rather emotional sort of person, despite how cold he can, at times, come off. when he needs to be. must get that from his father.
he could just disappear from steve's arms and leave it at that β leave the man to be here by himself with his alcohol until he finds the means to reach out to someone else and yet... he doesn't. not yet at least. he knows he needs to, but. he hates that he's hurt steve with this, even if it's something he needs and wants for himself.
face tucked against his shoulder, he turns his head some, trying to get a look at steve. his hand remains there on the other man's back, weight pressing on his knee, and he swallows then, letting those blue eyes fall shut again. )
This doesn't change how I feel about you. ( he says then. ) Even though I know you'll tell yourself otherwise. But it doesn't. I promise.
[ it's almost like he expects those words as soon as nate says them, finding some relief in their closeness but not completely. all his life, he's watched people come and go around him. he's had to let go of people before, never ready for it and never certain how to proceed after, and right now, he doesn't know if he can allow nate to have that space. he should. he knows he should, but it's hard when his own feelings are so deeply tangled in it.
but... ]
I'm not questioning how you feel. [ it's soft, though a little more put-together than everything that's come before. ] I don't like the thought of you being alone. [ the way he pauses then is heavy. ] Even if that's what you need.
[ but his grip on nate does loosen, warring with himself as he does. it's what has to happen, and he needs to let it or he won't budge. ]
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[ he manages it before nate's pressing close, before their foreheads touch, and steve closes his eyes at the contact, reaching up to hold onto him. if he grips him tight enough, perhaps that would convince him to stay. to not be alone. but in the end, the way he touches him is gentle and fragile, nebulous like this very moment between them.
if he had the answers, this might have been easier. ]
I'll be fine, [ he promises, tipping his head slightly so their noses touch. steve can already feel the serum at work, how much more clear-headed he's getting by the minute. ] Don't wait too long to find me.
[ because he's going to worry. he already is, but even just this is almost enough to assuage it in the meantime. and rather than let nate go, he tries to pull him in closer with that same mindset that if he hangs on tight enough that he won't be alone when he opens his eyes again. ]
no subject
afraid to touch him in fear that he might not want to let go of the other man, he instead keeps his hands there at the man's elbows. gentle. soft. eyes remaining closed as he just stays there like that crouched in front of him of the apartment that he's known for the past nearly six months now. )
You know you can't lie to me, right?
( the words are soft β an attempt at something lighter than the heaviness this conversation and everything surrounding it feels, but. also a truth, one which he softly gives to the other in regards to how he's doing and how he will be. )
no subject
when he breathes, there's a bittersweet feeling to it. ]
I'm not. [ nate would know if he was. besides, steve has never been very good at lying. ] I'll be fine eventually.
[ it's the amendment that has him pausing, knowing that to be the truth. months from now, years from now—he'll be fine. it's the same sort of rhythm the world always has, especially since he woke up out of the ice to find everything he ever knew to be different.
but steve's also stubborn and refuses to let go. which is why, in the end, he shoves forward into nate's personal space and pulls him into a tight embrace. ]
no subject
when the embrace suddenly comes, tight as it is, nate is left both stunned and speechless and just accepts it as those arms wind fierce around him. trapped within muscle and against the warmth of a man he cares for dearly. it nearly shatters some part of him to feel even through this mental moment here between them and he's silent for a long stretch as he just remains there. against steve. having fallen to one knee.
with hands still touching at the other man's elbows, he blinks those blue eyes of his a couple times and looks past them to their apartment windows there nearby. it's only after a moment that he presses the palm of his hand against the other man's back. a gentle and soft touch. )
no subject
the quiet didn't feel so lonely. their relationship felt... natural.
but it was always something he had to give up, and he thinks about that even as the hand against his back settles there. light and careful. a presence he still misses and will if nate continues to believe he needs to be alone. time will always heal, but it's a ragged mess of phantom pains it leaves behind. so, he turns into nate and hugs him even tighter, tucking his face against his shoulder and waiting until he relents just a little more. ]
no subject
he could just disappear from steve's arms and leave it at that β leave the man to be here by himself with his alcohol until he finds the means to reach out to someone else and yet... he doesn't. not yet at least. he knows he needs to, but. he hates that he's hurt steve with this, even if it's something he needs and wants for himself.
face tucked against his shoulder, he turns his head some, trying to get a look at steve. his hand remains there on the other man's back, weight pressing on his knee, and he swallows then, letting those blue eyes fall shut again. )
This doesn't change how I feel about you. ( he says then. ) Even though I know you'll tell yourself otherwise. But it doesn't. I promise.
no subject
but... ]
I'm not questioning how you feel. [ it's soft, though a little more put-together than everything that's come before. ] I don't like the thought of you being alone. [ the way he pauses then is heavy. ] Even if that's what you need.
[ but his grip on nate does loosen, warring with himself as he does. it's what has to happen, and he needs to let it or he won't budge. ]